Motherhood was lonely until I found my tribe
I didn’t immediately find purpose or feel like a mom when I had kids, but it unlocked something in me. It made me feel protective, warm, loved, incredibly lucky to have been chosen, but it also made me feel quite alone. No one in my close friendship circle was having babies at the time – they were travelling, living abroad or in other cities, going dancing, meeting for drinks, attending festivals – I missed them. But somehow they didn’t quite fit that chapter of my life. They were a reminder of the “old” me that I missed.
It wasn’t because they weren’t reaching out; I was shutting them out because I didn’t feel entirely like myself. And I felt guilty about “forcing” them to fit into the new life not even I was accustomed to, or even fully ready to accept. I craved a different sort of circle.
COULD A KIDS’ CLUB BE THE ANSWER?
“Join a kids’ activity club,” someone advised, “you’ll meet moms you can socialise with. They soon become your friends.” And I tried attending two, but I couldn’t relate to any of the women there. Their whole lives seemed wrapped around their babies – and mine wasn’t. Their interests seemed so far removed from mine, and to be perfectly honest, I love my kids – not all kids. I was really looking for like-minded people who had kids rather than to make friends with people just because they had kids.
So I kept looking for fellow moms to commune with everywhere I went. I’d see a mom reading a book in the park while her child played with other kids, one enjoying lunch in a coffee shop with her little one, or one wearing kickass sneakers pushing a pram and think: ooh she looks like someone I would get along with.
You spend a lot of the time catering to your children’s needs. So much so that you ignore your own. There’s not much time for it. And even when you do have time, you’re inhabiting a different body – one that leaks milk uncontrollably sometimes, constantly feels tired, and doesn’t fit into your wardrobe. As a result, I often opted to stay at home with the kids; it was just easier.
IT’S OKAY TO FIND YOUR TRIBE LATER
My girls are older now, and I wish my close circle of friends who are also moms had been in my life when they were babies. Now we hang out with our kids because we choose to; and without them because we want to. We compare notes about growth spurts, paediatricians and temper tantrums and swap stories about the funny things they say and how much easier it is being at work than being home on the weekends, sometimes.
Most of our time together, however, is spent talking about relationships, finances, work challenges, pimples and reality TV, the best podcasts and politics. We celebrate our successes with bubbles and weep over wine when the other is having a tough time. We visit one another and bring our kids along in their pyjamas because we just need a quick chat and an escape from weekly routines that can get quite monotonous.
We are a tribe of women who see and appreciate one another as friends first, and then as mothers. One of the best things about having a tribe of women in your life is that your children are loved by a bigger family; a village.
One of my friends sent me the invitation to her daughter’s fourth birthday party, followed by a message recounting the conversation she had had with her little one about the upcoming celebration.
Friend: …and your party will be so nice. I’ve invited Maya and Ruby and all your friends!
Daughter: Maya and Ruby are not my friends, mama.
Friend: (mortified) What?! Really? Why not?
Daughter: (eye roll) Because they are my cousins, mama.
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