Kids' Party Etiquette (yes, it's a thing)
Writer, editor, DJ and uber-mom, Zodwa Kumalo navigates the dos and the definitely don’ts of children’s parties.
So I created a tongue-in-cheeky mock birthday invite for my youngest daughter, Ruby, age six. It contains all the things I wish were implicit when it comes to kids’ birthday parties.
The bearer (the one who is in Ruby’s class) of this invitation has been invited to Ruby’s birthday garden party.
Date: You have a whole month to RSVP, so please don’t rock up on the day without letting us know you’re coming.
Time: 12-3pm - we will allow for an hour window period before leaving abandoned children outside and locking the gate. There will, of course, be a security guard who will already be on patrol. We are not callous people.
Venue: Our home. Please don’t bring your dogs.
Birthday theme: Wear any shade of blue (it was chosen by Ruby because it’s her favourite colour), but honestly anything is fine. However, if you, or your son or daughter, choose to ignore the colour theme, you won’t be included in any official photos to be released on Instagram.
Catering: If your child is a vegan, please make sure they eat beforehand.
RSVP: This is a birthday party for my daughter, not a babysitting service so that you can get your hair and nails done and run three hours late collecting your child. Also, I know you have my cell phone number but I’ve provided an email address for a reason. Please use it. The cell number is for emergencies on the day of the party. If your child can’t attend, there’s no need to call me to give me your long-winded excuse. I understand if you can’t make it.
All gifts are welcome – in any way, shape, form or cost. Please do bring a gift!
Too harsh?
At the risk of sounding like an “in my day” parent from the 80s, growing up I can count the number of birthday parties I had on one hand. Don’t get me wrong, I love birthday parties! I even have Pinterest boards for kiddies’ parties’ inspiration, so I’m no birthday Grinch.
But after you’ve attended at least six birthday parties – one of which was Palesa’s seventh birthday at the spa and Vase’s Pirate Party at the V&A Waterfront – bought gifts, juggled commitments, bought the right attire, endured mostly pleasant but a few awkward mommy conversations, the last thing you feel inspired to do is host any parties yourself.
Children’s birthday parties can be political minefields: Do you have to invite the whole class? If your child’s birthday party is at the zoo, how do you politely communicate that you can’t pay for Thato’s sister “and her two cousins who are visiting this weekend”? Can you assume that parents won’t leave their four-year-olds, for you as the host, to look after while they run errands?
I asked Adelle Nischk, headmistress at The Saxonwold Preschool for children aged between six months and six years, for some advice.
“We have daily interactions with all parents as they are our clients, but the learning kids are our biggest stakeholder,” she said, so she knows what she’s talking about.
- Do you have to invite the whole class? No, it’s okay to invite just a few close friends. Teachers can also help you identify which ones they are if parents are not sure.
- How far in advance should invitations go out? At least three weeks. It’s best to let the teacher know that invitations are being handed out so they can check up.
- Physical, email or Whatsapp invitations? It’s 2018, any medium is correct etiquette, but it’s more fun if the friend gets a personalised physical card or paper invitation to put on their fridge.
- Should you send out reminders? Absolutely – reminders to RSVP and the event.
- Is there competition among the kids? Not among the children; maybe among the parents.
- Do the kids talk about the parties afterwards? Yes!
- Is bringing a gift a must, and if so, what’s an average amount to spend? R100 to R150.
- Do you, as a host, have to feed the parents as well? Yes.
- If you’re arranging a party at a venue that charges an entry fee, can you expect parents to pay for their own children? Eish! 100% not. There should be no entrance fee to a party ever!
- What’s the best thing to bring for the class? Cupcakes, candles and party packs.
- Party packs – is that a must? Children get excited about the smallest treat and definitely won’t feel disappointed if there’s no party pack. A cake with candles, a sweetie or their friend with a crown on their head (made by teacher), and cheery singing give them the biggest joy.
- So what’s in a basic party pack for the class? Juice, a packet of chips, a sweet and a toy such as bubbles or a lucky packet if you have the means.
- Cake or cupcakes? We suggest cupcakes instead of cream cakes as they are easier to hand out, less messy and smaller for the tiny hands and tummies.
- Is there any competitiveness or pressure experienced by the little ones about the goodies they’re bringing? They are super proud if they’re spoiling their friends with anything that mom and dad sent.
“Also parents shouldn’t feel any pressure to send party packs and cupcakes to school. It’s not a must,” says Adelle. “At Saxonwold Preschool, we have a birthday ring where the class jumps, claps, shakes hips or blows kisses for the ‘birthday friend’, and counts the years they are turning. We often have a dance party where the ‘birthday friend’ chooses their favourite song. Then the birthday friend hands out the treats and the class sits around them and enjoys. If the birthday friend did not bring anything to school, the school usually has a bag of lollipops or sweeties on standby for the birthday friend to hand out.”
So there you have it? What other tips can you share?
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